So, I wake up this morning feeling dysphoric for no apparent reason and I try to brush it off as I’m staring at myself in the mirror and it’s just not working. I pretend to be happy and that makes me feel worse and I walk into work in sullen silence and avoid my colleagues’s stares and just throw myself into my work almost at once. I have a high tolerance for people slacking off during work (trust me when I say that I DO!!) but today, my patience is running thin. My colleagues are still having breakfast, an hour into work and they’re laughing, a little too loudly for my comfort. My senses become heightened like a vampire and for a minute I wish I was one as I visually just tear them to shreds and watch them bleed (too much of SUPERNATURAL and NOT… Twilight!!) Sigh… I snap out of it, a little too quickly and resume work.
My feet begin to swell… again for NO APPARENT REASON and I curse the day that blasted sperm fused that zygote and created me — A GIRL!! I even begin to question why my parents didn’t practice female infanticide back then and just end me before I began. My head is reeling , my eyes are burning and I feel stuffy but can’t open the windows cos’ there’s a bloody dust storm going on outside. Could this day get any worse , I ask myself?!! Could it?!! It definitely could!!
I goof up at work and considering I’m like the ONLY person who’s actually working in the office, I feel I should’ve been pardoned but no, I get a smiling taunt. Now, I’m like super pissed and I hurry to have lunch alone as the sound of munching food echoing in my head soothes me and helps me calm down. I return to work and reward myself by playing a couple of games of solitaire and win so many that I bore myself. I stare at my phone and I don’t see a call from my better half and I’m annoyed. The next minute has me in tears and I can’t for the life of me understand WHY?! I’m wiping away the tears and laughing again now. I get alarmed at the sudden mood swing and try recollecting whether I mistakenly took some wrong pill instead of my vitamins in the morning. My nose begins to hurt and my head begins to hurt and I’m dreading another nose bleed and go up to the pantry and apply ice as my body just starts acting up. I’m irritable now and on edge and just ready to snap and I’m waiting for someone to say something so that I can snap and whadyaknow nobody says a word!! I curse the day I was born a couple more times and resume work.
The day ends a little too soon for my liking and I bugger off to shop with my aunt. As she keeps chatting away, I zone off to I don’t know where. I’m totally spaced out and I’m brought back to earth when the better half calls and for a couple of minutes , I’m smiling and that too , GENUINELY and not forced and I thank the Lord that I have him (until he says something and snaps at me) Sigh… I buy some junk jewelry which makes my mood lift a bit and return home to feel clueless again and for some darned reason, I’m feeling STRESSED now… I go play pool and lose like a BITCH and come home to stare at a list of chores I’ve to finish before I get to bed. I’m fatigued now and realize that I’ve had way too many emotions today to make any sense of and document it on my blog. I feel happy now and a little sleepy. Job well DONE I guess!!
Entry from March 2012, Ahmedabad.