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It’s hard to say goodbye and I know it’s even harder to forgive and forget; but when you know it’s gone too far and there’s no turning back… all you have to do is wish them well. You realize when there’s no despise or hate that a part of you has died and will take a long time to heal again. “Time will heal all wounds”, he said.

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I listened to Amy Winehouse on repeat until all my tears had run dry and then switched to Adele and cried some more. I did the inevitable of crying and staring at the tear stained face that was mine in front of the mirror. “You always look beautiful after you cry”, she said. I stared and stared and tried to search for that lost beauty and all that was left was a unibrow and the starting of a faint moustache. “Unibrows bring you luck”, they said.

“You’re too old to play this game anymore”, she said. I couldn’t agree with her more. I love how everyone knows exactly what is right for me, except for me. “You don’t know what an awesome person you are”, he said in that last letter he wrote me almost 4 years ago. If I was so awesome, why did you leave? Pain has this strange way of coming back at all the wrong times. The other one said, “You’re not worth the pain.” Maybe I wasn’t.

If I was, I wouldn’t be upset and alone on a rainy day in Jaipur. I hate the monsoons because it reminds me of love and romance and it just isn’t fair. It’s too soon to face the music. You should’ve come a month later when I was far away from here and all of this behind me. You came too soon. Friends turn into lovers. Lovers never go back to being friends. That’s the irony of life. We spin the wheel once and once the wheel breaks, there’s no going back.

It’s just the pain talking and all the memories bottled up inside. One day, I’ll set them free and I will be as free as a butterfly and I will laugh at the pain that was today. Till then, I mope and blog about pain and heartbreak because there’s no other way I’m going to let it all out. No more tears to cry and no more things to try.

He said, “I have miles to go before I sleep… so many miles to go before I sleep.”

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