Every morning is a challenge, waking up and forcing my brain to not go back to comfortable memories and times when I actually woke up with the widest grin on my face. The funniest part of this is that it has been a long time since I woke up like that but my brain remembers only happiness, forgetting the tears and hurt and pain. It’s constantly telling me to let go because of the illusion I had created in my own head that I was happy when I clearly wasn’t. I know that is true and trust me when I say this, I really KNOW this. I have had these panic attacks when I wanted to presume the worst and run for my life because things seemed so bleak and so difficult when I looked ahead and saw the fight for which I believed I had no strength. But you know what, I didn’t.
I cry so much that when I laugh, I feel like I’m fooling myself. I post pictures of happiness when all I honestly feel is everything but… I talk about hope and love when I truly am thinking of despair and hate… Is this fair? No, it isn’t. “Life isn’t fair…”, he said. I find myself talking to myself like a crazy person and looking away when I know someone can see through my fake happiness.
Why am I doing this again? Yes, for love. I would rather be alone than have someone come and take it all away again. I stay true and loyal to love only because I remember the happiness… the only question is, “Will my love ever return?”