The past few weeks have been the worst for me, emotionally and mentally exhausting and I kid you not when I say this… I realized that I am weak in spirit and in everything else. I have always looked at myself as the epitome’ of strength and solidarity and in the past few weeks, I found myself crumbling to pieces as I watched on. I broke and amalgamated into such a form that the person staring at me in front of the mirror with dark circles and blotchy skin was an absolute stranger to me. I had constant headaches which would begin the moment I opened my eyes and lasted till I went to bed. Sleep was something I dreaded because it brought me dreams just to torture me some more. It got so bad that I needed to get medical help and I am taking pills for stress.
I was asked to stay away from work to get my act together because they couldn’t bear to see me lose control over every inch of my body. I took the day off and watched a movie alone at the theater today; a movie which ran just for me because nobody else wanted to watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon. I cried in that theater with rats for company and let all my inhibitions of being lonely break in front of my eyes. I wasn’t ashamed of my loneliness or my weakness but ashamed that I was willing to give up. My family and a few friends have been the pillar of strength these past few weeks and I loved them for caring but I just wanted to be left alone to pick up the pieces and become whole again.
It isn’t easy trying to battle out your emotions and face yourself for the true flawed human being you are… no shades or branded clothes are going to cover up the loneliness and sadness you feel and I learnt to embrace that today. I am my own strength and I found it in me today, a part of it at least as I watched a movie about two people finding themselves. I am not upset over heartbreak or a person who I believe caused that… I am upset at myself… I stopped loving myself. I stopped spending time with myself and enjoying my own company. I stopped caring about what I thought of myself and my actions and kept living for the world.
I still have a long way to go and I know that I will see it through the very end, give it every bit of my last fight… not crumble to bits at something as small as someone leaving. Life is honestly too short to live it for anyone else but myself. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I saw for the first time in a really long time… me.
My blog has been yet another appendage to me and I felt that I needed to rename her as she is nothing but my thoughts and my strength put into words. I knight thee… “Querencia”!!
(In Spanish, “querencia” describes a place where one feels safe, a place from which one’s strength of character is drawn, a place where one feels at home)