“I think I made you up inside my head.” – Sylvia Plath
I haven’t written about heartbreak in a while because I have been trying to hide it and tell myself that the more I write about it, the more evident it is that I’m shattered… thus ruining my chances of ever moving on. It doesn’t really make a difference. I am still upset. I am still hurt. I am still betrayed. Mails which have been typed out, some saved away as drafts and others deleted. Nothing seems to be helping the pain. The headaches persist which are now accompanied with chest pain now and then. I think this is actually what heart ache must feel like.
I stare out of windows for something, anything which will distract me long enough for the pain to subside but to no avail. I am still alone, miserably upset with myself for allowing something like this to happen again. It is so easy to end something and then pretend feeling hurt about your decision, when in all reality it is nothing short of cowardice. I am still fighting a battle with no opponent on the other side. I wonder if any of you know how that feels like?!
You talk to yourself so often that you are numb to the emotions that should normally shock you and make you weep. You are so engulfed in a pain so real and yet so surreal that you just want to jump to the next level. A friend was explaining how I need to jump to the next level… but how do I jump when I haven’t won and entirely completed the previous level?! I am still wounded, mentally and emotionally… looking for that constant when there is none. I have no fight left in me. I have tapped myself dry of all the inner strength there is. I have turned to God for answers.
I lie awake in bed for hours just waiting for the pain to pass but it doesn’t. I can’t smile with my whole heart anymore because the damage is just too deep. Never ever let your guard down… Never ever…
Time will heal all wounds… they say… not gangrene… that just gets worse with time until you need to amputate it. Cut my heart out won’t you?! Replace it with a new one, which will be ready to fall in love but only to the right person this time. No more games. No more waiting around. Just love which will make your tummy flip inside out and make you giddy inside. I wonder if it is still out there and whether I will ever find it?! I wonder if there is enough in me to forgive and forget, and move on… I wonder…
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