“Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window- or break down a door.” – Brooke Shields
You know that feeling when you want to be somebody and do something but you just don’t know who it is and what it is? If you do, then welcome to my world. I am in a mood to rant today and rant I will because I have been feeling awfully clueless for a while and it has struck me that if I don’t blog about it, it will probably remain the same and I won’t get out of this rut that I am digging my grave in much deeper than I would really want to be in. That was a long sentence and I was taught in school to not make such long sentences but hey… I am allowed to bend the rules once in a while aren’t I?! I wonder who these rhetorical questions are directed at sometimes when I reread my blog entries. Mostly, it just reminds me and a lot of other people why I am such a difficult person to live with and most importantly how very very required it is to have someone to listen to me ALL THE TIME!!
I am a selfish person, most of you might already know that and for those who don’t… well, there’s a first time for everything. I walk in and out of lives as though they were books which I can close and open when I want, with their stories exactly where I had left them… only to my disappointment their lives aren’t at a standstill and most people don’t like their lives to be cruised by like those gas stations along the freeway, used only when absolutely required.
The reason for all this soul searching is the amount of time I am left alone with my thoughts with no outlet because I have realized that mediocre people don’t really get everything they want their way. I am supposed to be typing out my SOP and it occurred to me that there is nothing in my life to boast about and write pages which will wow the people I am trying very clearly to impress. I have a year to figure out my life and post that, it will be taking my life to the next level which is… yes… good question. A very good question.
The problem with being slightly good at a lot of things is, it drives you to a level which makes you believe that if you put some more effort into it, you will probably become good enough to master in it. You don’t have enough time to try and test them all so you just go with your instinct and hope that the ones you chose pan out when… in all reality… they might not. The odds are still the same and yet you believe that as one more talent gets kicked to the corner, you are nearing success when again… your odds are still the same.
I sleep with a sketchbook right next to me, in the hope that I will wake up and draw myself a masterpiece, take my camera along with me hoping that I will click the next National Geographic front pager, sing loudly wherever I go… well it’s more of a habit really to be noted as the bathroom singer of the year or something maybe and write, write, write whenever my brain forces itself into excellence in the hope that I will finish my book by the end of this year. (Yes, I am writing a book and no, I haven’t found a publisher) In the middle of all this, I try to read and stalk and gather up information on all prodigies who are my age and have made it big in the world. I play Ruzzle till my fingers go numb and and my wrist needs to wrapped in gauze, I play quizes on India Capitals to prove to myself that my brain still functions and then post photos on Instagram like my world is one large canvas of beautiful people and things.
Epilogue (Thank GOD!)
Somebody once said, “You should’ve been born as 10 different people because that’s the amount of energy it will take for you to have all your dreams fulfilled.” I don’t blame this person one bit for saying that and right now, I feel strengthened by the insanity that is me. I found strength in facing myself today. I might not excel in every one of these things but I am not going to give up trying now, am I?! Haha!! A rant was required today or I wouldn’t have gotten this pessimistic feeling which was beginning to swallow me whole out of my system.
I have feet. I will dance.