It’s 2 am and it’s cold. She pulls the covers over herself and tries to sleep but sleep just won’t come. She tosses and turns as though that would help but all it does is just crease the new sheets she sleeps on. She stares at the ceiling for the longest time, hoping that boredom will make sleep come but to no avail. She is still wide awake.
Did she do something wrong? Why does this always happen to her? She always ends up feeling lonely and what’s worse… being alone. This time, it honestly wasn’t her fault and she can’t for the life of her imagine what could’ve triggered this row. Detach and be the bigger person. What a bunch of shit! She should’ve listened to her instinct and fought but who do you fight with when there’s nobody on the other side?
It’s 2:15 am and it’s getting colder and this time, she wants to feel cold. She wants to feel so cold that there has to be a point when she gets numb, numb to the pain… numb to the hurt… numb to the disrespect… numb to everything that will bring her sleep which is honestly all that she really wants now. Sleep. A good night’s rest. It’s been weeks since sleep has been evading her and she is tired of it now. She is tired of blaming herself for things she can’t control and things she just can’t grasp. She wants to let go… of everything.
She knows what she has to do. She has been planning it for days now, just waiting for the time when everything hits rock bottom and it has. She gets out of bed, gets dressed, takes her wallet, her camera and her journal… leaves her phone behind and walks out the door. She knows that there is no turning back, once she walks out that door and she is willing to face the music. She walks, knowing that life has failed her once too many times for her to trust it to get better. She has no agenda, no place to go to… just a feeling in her gut that she needs to get the fuck out before she loses her mind. She walks as though having no purpose in life is the purpose she has been longing for and it doesn’t matter whether she needs to start from nothing, all over again. She will. She has to, if not for her… but for him.